It's Zenobia

Something  happened  in between  the moments  we were apart the far  somehow  managed  to create  a way  to diminish  the distance the insistent voice  in my head  speaking  for my heart we were safe but really  we were scarred  we were hard  we were confused about who  and what  and how  to trust  to settle  to love the distance was a catalyst I listened out  for the echoes of things  you were  already  saying  I let them  find me I let them  sink in I wasn't thinking I was feeling  I was falling for the  first time  without  seeing danger without  wanting  to admit  to myself  that happiness didn't have to be  a stranger could be  something greater  than quiet  moments  alone something  happened  in the absence  to recreate my idea of home how it could  ...

maybe I  don't need  love I simply need  more of  this math  this collection of adds small little things  gathered  over moments and months laughs and naps and stitches  fixing more than pockets filled with  something  solid  something  sacred  taken  in measured doses holding  space tight in my throat that ache that tastes the tears  you try not to cry kindness  multiplied gifted  like trinkets glitter  gold filling all the empty space I used to know I used to crave  I used to say  the emptiness  was me  was everything  I would need but I am forced to reevaluate  recalculate  tally up  the smiles  the warmth  the chiseled  bits  of concrete falling at my feet from the walls that felt  so necessary  now noted as obsolete the oxygen  sweeter  when I breath the reflection  revealing  a version of me I have ...

This may be  more than I bargained for more than I can bear how do I balance being  good  to someone else just when I decided  to be good to myself I'm supposed to put down  the baggage that no longer serves me , be free but somehow  along the way  I've detoured  picked up more picked up the remnants  of things  that don't work that won't work  and I  don't want  to be the reason for anyone's hurt feelings I don't want  to be responsible  for someone else when I promised I'd finally  take care of myself and maybe  I should understand  that there is nothing  and no one  out there for me but I don't want  to settle I don't want to be chosen because  someone is frozen  in place  and I'm the only option I'd rather keep walking I'd rather keep  talking  to myself  bolstering what may be  delusions  I want to be  in place I believe I'm...

It is objectively  good I could  theoretically  let it be the end all  even if it's  not the be all even if  I don't receive the heat my bones  crave I can  be practical and take  some artificial  heat  and let that be the way  I wake  and live  and sleep  at night  but I  know the truth,  what the dreams  will do  how they'll taunt me haunt me remind me  I'm beholden to my longing  and what then,  how can  I say yes when I'm not certain  I'll be ready  when the curtains close we're getting close we're letting those seconds  minutes  hours  flower and bloom  but I don't do  well with keeping things alive with standing still enough to thrive  in one singular  location It's good on paper boxes  mostly checked mind agrees  but body  is on the fence  heart is stressed  wants me  to not forget  ...

I am looking for  a little bit  of romance I am weak for it in need of it the sweet  of it a confection  of care and feelings  with  delicate  textures buttery  vestures heartfelt  melt in my mouth  gestures I want kindness wrapped  like ribbons in my hair lace edged everything warm  low  lights soft  heat  gentle pressure urging pleas of please lavender  and velvet  soft at the back  of knees plush lush  rugs  to caress  my spine to beg me  to recline strawberry jam  on golden  spoons  under a golden  moon  hung low in the sky stars glowing the indigo blanket of night  the soft pastels  of dawn  sun casting gentle shadows on a verdant lawn checkered blankets wicker hampers a day  blue and bright hands in hands soft smiles bubblegum blushed cheeks subtle glances asking all the things  I need flowers  flirting ...

I don't know how  to say it differently how to convey  the litany  of reasons for these feelings I'm having simply  stating  the facts has lacked any effectiveness so I digress  I reset I reword and regret I write it out  I dance around the hard parts I change my mind and restart try to explain  with less words less hurt slower  so we're  maybe on the same page but no way seems to be  working  it's as if you're purposely  observing  from the bottom of a murky well and I'm throwing rope  holding out keeping hope at the forefront  but there's more of  the same  the strange awkward silence so quiet I wonder  if I've actually  been alone  this whole  time if I've conjured  you up  in the back of mind to keep me busy to keep me blind and I rewind I search for clues that you  exist  and this is real  this is happening  I'm not as lost as I thoug...