Diluted Words

self love

cause

I 

let myself 

cry in the shower

hard

ugly 

racking 

sobs

chest 

burning 

lungs 

gasping

asking

me to relax

self love

cause 

I 

admit to myself

that I'm unhappy

unworthy

under self imposed

pressures

that I never 

ease up on

self love 

cause 

I know

deep in the places

I never let 

anyone see

I am nothing

no one 

never have been 

never having

the strength 

to be my own

best friend

self love 

cause I let myself

remember 

what was done 

and I let the ache

wash over me

hot as this water

hot as this shame 

that I claim

when I think 

of opening up 

of being vulnerable 

self love

cause I won't ever be 

that weak 

I will keep 

my distance

my dismissive 

dark thoughts 

at the forefront 

of my mind 

self love 

cause I'm too broken

to fuck 

around and find love 

find out

that I was right 

this whole time 

selfish 

reasons keep me 

keeping to myself

self love

cause I don't remember 

how to trust

how to adjust 

how to believe 

that I deserve 

that I am worth

that I need to be the one

to feel it first 

self love 

on the high setting 

on a high getting

my emotions 

in check 

instead of 

feeling 

instead I'm seething

sick and tired

of my unfulfilled desire

to be loved

enough

I give up 

I give in 

to these shower

tears

these humid fears

clear 

that 

self love is a fallacy

a double entendre 

of apathy 

allowing me 

to never soften

to wake up 

come off it 

take note of 

the cold water

and turn off

the faucet