Unsure Words

It is objectively 

good

I could 

theoretically 

let it be

the end all 

even if

it's 

not the be all

even if 

I don't

receive the heat

my bones 

crave

I can 

be practical and take 

some artificial 

heat 

and let that be

the way 

I wake 

and live 

and sleep 

at night 

but I 

know the truth, 

what the dreams 

will do 

how they'll taunt me

haunt me

remind me 

I'm beholden

to my longing 

and what then, 

how can 

I say yes

when I'm not certain 

I'll be ready 

when the curtains

close

we're getting close

we're letting those

seconds 

minutes 

hours 

flower and bloom 

but I don't do 

well with keeping things

alive

with standing still enough

to thrive 

in one singular 

location

It's good on paper

boxes 

mostly checked

mind agrees 

but body 

is on the fence 

heart is stressed 

wants me 

to not forget 

the promises

I made to myself

I'm at a loss

at the road

unable to cross

to course correct

to make sense 

of what's the right thing

to do 

I am subjectively 

stuck 

in such a sticky

sweet trap 

of a spot

lured by 

the safety 

the calm 

but there in the back 

the tick tick tick 

of a bomb

a fuse

lit 

by doubts

by unfortunate happenings

emotional dampening

a "lost to fear" way 

of imagining 

what I want 

what I need

what to give

when to leave

when to be present

how to show effort

it feels endless

everything

ever

expecting 

answers that I 

just don't have

so I guess

I'm sad

and confused 

but I'm happy too 

cause it could be worse

so it's bittersweet

and it's the taste

that counts

the weight

that mounts 

when you're ready to eat

so I'll indulge 

I'll not overthink 

I'll close my eyes

and let it all 

sink in 

and if I was wrong

at least I can say

that I

lived