It's Zenobia

Im trying  To let you in Trying  To steady my breathing To ready the beating Of my raw And ragged heart So broken and beaten  All these  Jagged parts Leftovers  From years Of picking up pieces And haphazardly  Needling As I ran Away from Harm It's all a blur Footsteps  Erratic  Behind me Glances Over my shoulder  Remind me That stillness Is akin To danger To damage  The addage is clear Better safe  Than sorry  Better not Be here  Better not  To question  Are we Sorry We're not  We can't be I cant see  A way to slow down  A way to know how To feel safe To just stay To trust this To exist In the umbrage of an us  though I  Take umbrage at the sun I am always  Gonna run Gonna sweat out In the heat  Always gonna be Afraid of  The delicate nature  Of vulnerability  The evident ways your  Gonna look at me With care  In your eyes And I reticent to share my need...

I am trying  to escape the truth I am  on the run  but he is  in pursuit and while my heart  begs me to be still  my head, begs me to move faster  farther  for reasons I can no longer comprehend but I upend everything  to escape  to be safe and he  is patient making space when I  feel myself  drifting too close he knows my tendency  to double back  double talk ask for more ask for forgiveness ask for a mile even as  I know my limits he is witness to the complexity  of my needs my wants he offers peace but I pick up speed the need  to leave burns the oxygen  in my lungs turns my optimism  into omens my safety  into onus as he approaches slowly palms out  calm now voice soft eyes warm  and I a feral cat desperate  for a home  but unable to be  owned  unable to be held unable to allow the cage  my mind makes to drop around me  I fight  teeth ...

I'm happy to offer you  Whatever you need But please Don't let yourself believe  That I Am worth The same things  That I deserve  The same things Take what you need And sleep off the worry Of having to offer  More than  Goodnight  Goodbye  Good luck Next time I think,  You're good enough  To get it right With someone else  Someone new  Someone who  Forces you to read Between those lines And memorize The the way she feels The way she aches The way she takes her time  To walk away Just so you can beg To have her stay  To give her  What she knows  That she deserves  Give her everything  She needs  What she's worth But dont believe  That I Am her

I have all the tears I've never cried An ocean bottled up In jars painted black  On shelves  At the back of my heart And I tip toe through life Avoid the uneven roads of emotion  So I don't slip And break  A single one  So I don't drown So I sit down  Alone I lay down Alone I exist in this single solitary state  To be safe  On my own  Eyes closed wishing for a bit of danger Wanting to be braver All those tears  Bottled up  I bite my tongue  Remind myself to save living life  For later 

self love cause I  let myself  cry in the shower hard ugly  racking  sobs chest  burning  lungs  gasping asking me to relax self love cause  I  admit to myself that I'm unhappy unworthy under self imposed pressures that I never  ease up on self love  cause  I know deep in the places I never let  anyone see I am nothing no one  never have been  never having the strength  to be my own best friend self love  cause I let myself remember  what was done  and I let the ache wash over  me hot as this water hot as this shame  that I claim when I think  of opening up  of being vulnerable  self love cause I won't ever be  that weak  I will keep  my distance my dismissive  dark thoughts  at the forefront  of my mind  self love  cause I'm too broken to fuck  around and find love  find out that I was right  this whole time ...

I understand now That I must be warmed Like clay Softened For days Pressed repeatedly Against gentle palms Kneaded sweetly With measured calm I must be taken piece by piece worked with hands mouth teeth legs apart spine released careful concentration build build build come apart  repeat I understand the time I need the soft pressure against resistance that begs permission that says to listen as words deliver a place to lay back to bask in the delight of being repurposed reimagined reborn stem, bloom, thorn crushed between fingers fragrant nascent hope lingers at the edge so close  as I'm stretched pulled, molded, over and over coming close to knowing that this heat has readied me has steadied me has given me shape offered me safe space to exist without a need to be something else someone else soft, delicate, self help begins as hands work clay warm, delicate asking me to stay letting me know I fit securely in any palms I choose so long as they use tempered heat to soften my re...

Fingers drip slick with the scent of citrus clementines and lust and my tongue at present tastes like your name whispered rough, harshly and in vain as heat rushes harshly through my veins knees bent backs wet legs spent with effort only time will let dissolve as darkness eats with fervor, my resolve to hold out for you to hold on to you in the place behind my eyes in the exquisite tension pulsing through these thighs hot, rushing, swimming thoughts breathing... stuttered, caught in the chasm of this need this breaking open of me, like fresh fruit wetting everything for You... citrus peels scatter the floor and my fingers taste of juice