No Good Words

-
Im trying 
To let you in
Trying 
To steady my breathing
To ready the beating
Of my raw
And ragged heart
So broken and beaten 
All these 
Jagged parts
Leftovers 
From years
Of picking up pieces
And haphazardly 
Needling
As I ran
Away from
Harm
It's all a blur
Footsteps 
Erratic 
Behind me
Glances
Over my shoulder 
Remind me
That stillness
Is akin
To danger
To damage 
The addage is clear
Better safe 
Than sorry 
Better not
Be here 
Better not 
To question 
Are we
Sorry
We're not 
We can't be
I cant see 
A way to slow down 
A way to know how
To feel safe
To just stay
To trust this
To exist
In the umbrage of an us 
though I 
Take umbrage at the sun
I am always 
Gonna run
Gonna sweat out
In the heat 
Always gonna be
Afraid of 
The delicate nature 
Of vulnerability 
The evident ways your 
Gonna look at me
With care 
In your eyes
And I reticent to share my needs
Uncomfortable 
With being at peace 
Pained 
Knowing you seek
Some simple quiet soul
While I rage 
Desperate to control 
Every hour,
Minute, second,
So I'm stepping stones
On quicksand
Sick and
Tired, but wired
To keep moving
I'm trying to let you in 
But I'm more concerned 
With proving
I was right 
This is wrong
This is not
Where I belong
Were I a different 
Kind of person
I'd be working 
On my breathing 
Being settled
So that
It matches 
Yours
But I'm a mess
Dynamic
Unable to master 
Static 
Masochistic 
Habits
Move, move, move 
Never ignore
The panic
I'm trying to be still
But I have to 
Pragmatic 
Work with I have 
And be honest 
About it
I'm trying to let you in 
But I'm 
Just 
No
Good
At it

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