It's Zenobia

I am working while  I'm hurting  to have a different  point of view of me  of we  of you in the long run  it's the wrong ones  I'm avoiding  or so I  tell myself and so I  fell myself  before I have a chance to grow  because there's a piece of me that wholeheartedly  believes  that I am right  to be afraid  to stay safe alone in the dark  with my back  to the wall  and chains  on my heart but it gets hard bearing this weight it gets hard  wearing this pain  and so  the devil I don't know  seems like a risk  I should be willing to take  I should be willing  to make  sacrifices  to have something  like us out in the sun  even if it kills me  at least it's one  day  free  where I don't have to pretend ...

And when it's all over I'll wonder If I only imagined you If I conjured up Just about The best Thing I knew I'd never have I knew I'd never ask Myself To admit the truth There was only me And my wants There was never you I wonder if When I look back I'll laugh At all the times I thought I'd have A moment Where we'd meet And be The only things Existing In each others sight With me willing time To give me More of you More of what might Have been The closest thing to right That I've ever Tasted And I wonder If I'd ever wasted My energy So fruitfully before My imagination So beautifully made more Than I could ever Wish And when it's all over I'll ache For what I couldn't Make exist

I lay, face pressed into the mattress laughing at my luck reveling in us our inherent magic so apparent that I feel his love even as we fuck bridging gaps across our souls and I wonder in my throes how he somehow manages to see something different in the me that I have come to know how we have found a brand new and yet familiar home how in his eyes his open face I find my heart reeling from an unfamiliar ache an always an everyday a safe haven an escape we are traveling hand in hand and I undersand as he traces fingers down my spine that I am open for this time this meeting this feeling inside me as he pushes past the past that defined me I let these moments move me guide me find me in this brand new hopeful place and over my shoulder I can see this truth across his face

For the purpose of  Experimentation  I will allow  Myself  These sensations  These invasions  Of thought These creations  Are wrought  With an  Ache  For something  Cunning Clever  Never before received  The way he  Chooses to offer  He chooses to proffer  Freely Sweetly Simply  So slowly  That I'm sinking Before I realize  I've been standing still  Drowning  Of my own  Free will, Drowning  And I feel I will Somehow evolve Learn how to breathe  In the places  I was always  Afraid to be He does this  Gives me opportunity  To expand To expound  Be found  Among waves  I thought would sweep me Into unknown currents But I'm encouraged  At how  He redefines things  Reimagines, Realigns things,  Reminds me  Of perspecti...

Someone loves her And I'm trying To find out Her secret I have my hands held out Seeking Some Comfort In that knowledge She smiles and I Am weeping For the looks that never seem to reach me She's had men Fall at her feet In pieces I collect them Stich them together Postulate my thesis Seeing The eager ache in their eyes And I Come no closer To being anything of consequence To anyone But I Surmise There must be something That she's made of Something I cant make up From the parts That make me Me But she Has something That they need And I am ever waiting Wanting Willing Them to see The things I offer The things I One day Hope to be

Five hours ahead But somehow I see the future first I know the future hurts More than we care to admit... Morning is there But you get Lost in the stars And its amazing, But It'll cost me My heart And honesty's hard But you Honestly are A double edged sword And a trouble That's more Than I thought I'd face How you managed To move Across Waves To my space And I Iet it slide Cause I thought I'd be safe But I Feel myself break Feel myself on The verge of the hurt From the same old mistakes You and your face And your words And your truth Find their way in And I'm Falling for you Knowing damn well That's its not what I do It's not a real choice So I cover my ears And drown out Your voice So I can save you From me So I can save myself From the pain I foresee You opened my heart And its aching to beat Desperate to be Held close in hands Not making it bleed But making time Still Whenever we speak Hours disso...

I was gonna love you With my eyes closed But I don't know If I can manage The dark I was gonna leave you But my mind knows The steep price It would Cost of my heart So I'm crossing my heart For safe keeping From my demons As I dream them Out Out Out Of my life I was gonna love you With my eyes closed But I am Desperate for light I was gonna leave you But my mind knows That you Are everything right

I make lists  of things  that I think  will  make me  somehow  better  at life the things that I need the things that I like  the ones  that feel  right  and I  find every first line holding  your eyes your hands your face  your name and my heart is afraid desperately  trying to quickly erase to start over to replace  the ache  that I feel  I avoid  avert  appeal  to my lonely  aching soul  to let you  to leave you  to make you  go  a fresh page blank lines  pen set and I  drag it down then across and I know... I know I know... that this list is my truth  and my  heart  has been  lost

He likes for me To spoon feed My inadequacies So he can spit them back Smile And act like We're not just host And parasite Like he's doing me a favor I swallow my pride And he savors Every minute of it Every minute I bend Back further than I should I break Tiny fissures split across my aches Threatening Begging me to take Considerable action Consider this acting Is doing me more harm than good And I know I should Walk quickly away But I stay I stay I stay And I lose a little more of me Each day Because I just can't find The time To teach myself to say If I'm honest, I need help If I ever hope To get away I am held And I never know The things To say To my reflection To make me Believe I should ignore His misdirection That I Should bide my time Surrender To introspection He likes to feed And I Part my lips And always Always eat But should instead Clench these teeth And decide To starve And die To finally be free

In the grand scheme we seem to constantly find each other time is trying to cover its bases introducing new faces places people we go days and days countless different ways but we seem to continually find each other in each others space I keep my head down eyes averted I am earnest in my quest for new and yet there is always you and I know you also avoid my gaze my side of the street the ground that has known my steps that've met my feet but I seem to be yet again in your way in your day the only constant in a haze of bodies oddly I am there brown eyes brown skin brown hair a cup of coffee with splashes of cream that seems to haunt your dreams and you are unaware why I don't disappear the way other faces tend to do why I press against your mind in ways other faces never do we should melt away as we pass but in a sea of lives yours seems to catch the edges of my vision and I only ever notice you and I don...

You think it's sweet and darling and it's really  dark  dirty  bitter  dregs what's left at the bottom  of a half empty glass the remnants the last sitting  for months  spoiled fruit fly  occupied blue  mold  old  stale  no use but to  throw away the whole thing trash  that has had  its last  day in the sun no fun candy coated  sweets it's bleak  and it only took  forever for you  to finally  see

I go on each day like you never existed like I never predicted your disappearance insisted that it was nearing manifested the voice in my head I kept hearing they go they go they go and I know I'm partially responsible for making it easy to leave me without consideration believe I hold myself accountable for bad omens for those moments I spoke into existence leave if you want I know what you want flesh blood just what the ghost in me wants but can't let myself touch can't get myself much closer than this lips near but don't kiss I knew I know they go they go they go slip through hands like sand I can't wet I can't get my head around the things my heart wants so I hang about these old haunts these bad habits thes...