Unable Words

I don't know how 

to say it differently

how to convey 

the litany 

of reasons

for these feelings

I'm having

simply 

stating 

the facts

has lacked

any effectiveness

so I digress 

I reset

I reword

and regret

I write it out 

I dance around

the hard parts

I change my mind

and restart

try to explain 

with less words

less hurt

slower 

so we're 

maybe on the same page

but no way

seems to be 

working 

it's as if

you're purposely 

observing 

from the bottom

of a murky well

and I'm throwing

rope 

holding out

keeping hope

at the forefront 

but there's more of 

the same 

the strange

awkward silence

so quiet

I wonder 

if I've actually 

been alone 

this whole 

time

if I've conjured 

you up 

in the back of mind

to keep me busy

to keep me blind

and I rewind

I search for clues

that you 

exist 

and this is real 

this is happening 

I'm not as lost

as I thought 

and yes 

there at the bottom

there are signs

of life

signs that I 

am reaching out

and you 

are acting 

like

you just can't reach me

and life 

fights to teach me

that the truth 

is there 

right before my eyes

I can try to save 

what's left

but I'll never get 

what I gave 

and I have

to give up 

give credence 

to the idea that

I just don't 

provoke 

those feelings 

I am noone's catalyst 

cause I exist 

in a vacuum 

an immeasurable void 

unreachable 

unseeable 

unable 

to matter 

in the ways 

that I've dreamed

and unable 

to become 

someone's 

something 

special 

so it seems