It's Zenobia

I am looking for  a little bit  of romance I am weak for it in need of it the sweet  of it a confection  of care and feelings  with  delicate  textures buttery  vestures heartfelt  melt in my mouth  gestures I want kindness wrapped  like ribbons in my hair lace edged everything warm  low  lights soft  heat  gentle pressure urging pleas of please lavender  and velvet  soft at the back  of knees plush lush  rugs  to caress  my spine to beg me  to recline strawberry jam  on golden  spoons  under a golden  moon  hung low in the sky stars glowing the indigo blanket of night  the soft pastels  of dawn  sun casting gentle shadows on a verdant lawn checkered blankets wicker hampers a day  blue and bright hands in hands soft smiles bubblegum blushed cheeks subtle glances asking all the things  I need flowers  flirting ...

I don't know how  to say it differently how to convey  the litany  of reasons for these feelings I'm having simply  stating  the facts has lacked any effectiveness so I digress  I reset I reword and regret I write it out  I dance around the hard parts I change my mind and restart try to explain  with less words less hurt slower  so we're  maybe on the same page but no way seems to be  working  it's as if you're purposely  observing  from the bottom of a murky well and I'm throwing rope  holding out keeping hope at the forefront  but there's more of  the same  the strange awkward silence so quiet I wonder  if I've actually  been alone  this whole  time if I've conjured  you up  in the back of mind to keep me busy to keep me blind and I rewind I search for clues that you  exist  and this is real  this is happening  I'm not as lost as I thoug...

Don't steal kisses don't make me miss us don't make empty promises if you'll only be listless I want grand gestures of the simplest kind  small subtle cues  that show glimpses  that I'm  someone  special  someone  well worth  expending  extra energy for I want to believe you remember  the bruises still not soothed on my knees the ones  I knelt on  to pray  to be  everything you needed repeated  each night after long nights without end in sight while I wondered if you might offer me a hand make me promise to stand  to not seek pain  to command  your attention  but there was no mention no thought  about what I was  willing to give how I was willing  to hurt to make the most of  something  you didn't even  take note of  if I'm honest  it hurts  and it's worse when I think  of how  you had no explanation  no real reasons you wer...

I suppose it's easy  to get carried  away to know  I should leave but want me  to stay to make slow  measured  movements natural  soothing sentiments meant to lend something  special  to the night but we have to  get this right we haven't changed we are the same people  we were the day before  with the same wants the same ghosts the same haunts the same needs the same pleas we want  what we somehow can't figure out  how to be... tell me if I'm wrong tell me if effort is everything  to you  the way it is to me tell me if  I have become  worth the risk  worth the lift are you checking  my wants off your list like one of your missions or are you  waiting  for permission  to make changes to make more  of your language to make me  believe it's me  are you open  to making me see  you different  or are you sitting  staying safe inside your h...

I write my life,   Heart beats on my sleeve Leave Nothing to the imagination Just soothe the ache,  And devastation Sees me laid bare And why not Why this I ain't shit I aim quick coarse words At the hurt that's built this He thinks he had it bad Bet that o n everything I have,  I am at t he edge here,  Heard him out Had it out, phone call word play No explanation for his ways Gave him a chance to say The truth To make amends And he takes this time To say that he Was left Abandoned I'm having fucking deja vu This one sounds just like you Acting like a victim, quick come Catch crocodile tears, years Have come and gone for days I can't remember your face Cause you and him and this Was never real How am I  Finding my worth We were separated at birth Worst and best thing You ever did Forgetting your kid Me, I got use to Birthdays where moms Never called I wonder if you remember at all September All those years ago And now he's acting Miserable I don't call him Or ca...

He sees something special  something precious  and it gets us  a bit further than I'd expected we could go  but I know that I respond better to pain to putting  my pieces  together  after being  disassembled carefully with disdain  distinctively careless  poetic refrain we repeat it it's the moment the whole thing the weakness that invades  every  single  smile he gives every single day I live trying  to see things different  to change my vision I see someone he swears doesn't exist in  his frame of view  and I smile  and disagree  and offer  the saccharine  sweet  sordid  version of me the one crafted  by actions  of men many years my  senior many meaner many beers in  sometimes sober  subtle  often over  the weekends  behind the bleachers benign sweetness say the non believers I ache for her  but she's fortified...