Self Aware Words

I'm supposed to be learning

How to love myself

Classes

That ask me 

To be honest 

About my fears

And then 

Cheer myself on

For facing them

Fighting them

But I am only 

Inviting them 

That much closer

Drunk with judgment

Unsure that 

Thoughts can ever sober

So hurt 

So first things first

I admit

That I don't know shit

Except this

I am not worth it 

I am not capable 

Of standing candid

In front of mirrors

Making myself smile

Praising 

Paying respect 

To the brokenness

That's been left 

Behind

Behind these doors 

Are more

Of the same 

Sad

Stories 

Boring 

Bittersweet 

Babyface girl

With shiny teeth 

Pretending any way 

On any given day

Smile stays stitched

On lips 

Learned that burdens

Live on the edges

Of these fingertips

Burn 

Everything I touch 

Ashes scattered 

Just enough

For proof

Everyone takes two steps back

Effectively saving themselves

From the brew 

Of my witchcraft

Crafted careful 

From my blue black 

Blood 

Veins touched

By the same 

Mulch 

That birthed the worst 

Example of 

A mother’s love

Just enough 

To keep you wanting 

Waiting 

Elbows red 

Chaffing 

On window sills

Palms 

Pressed 

Behind single still

Cold hard panes 

Of glass

That caught 

Lasts gasp 

Of hope

Smile 

They say 

You are not 

Your yesterdays

Better 

Pray 

On days 

When you 

Are lacking strength 

I lack that effort

To pretend 

Yet 

Lack the heart

To offer skin 

As readily 

As I sometimes wish

They say 

That I should be 

Proud of this 

Prudence 

Probably 

Is a gift

But leaves me 

Empty 

Unable 

And incapable 

Of filling 

Fast enough 

To staunch the flow

Of blood 

That settles

Low 

Between

Hip bones

So 

I’m stuck 

Hating myself 

My luck 

At being 

Something of 

A good girl 

Useless 

When you need 

Connections

Pressing 

Penchants 

For giving no’s 

When wanting 

Yes’s

I feel accomplished 

Honest 

Open 

In knowing 

I know 

I’m owed nothing 

Takes strength 

I say 

To admit 

The truth 

I’m not whole 

I’ve found safety 

In the control 

Of my emotions

No untoward 

Notions 

Of unnecessary 

Self 

Congratulations

I’m impatient

Waiting 

For the 

Lure 

Of cures

I leave 

An empty seat

Walk out 

Quickly 

Quiet 

Trying not to be 

Noticed 

I’m over 

Paper cups 

And all 

The touchy 

Feely bullshit love

The feigned trust 

The fake smile

I’m required 

To employ 

As I discuss

The finer points

Of forsaking 

Lust

In favor of 

Embracing my own 

Inner child 

She however 

Is wild

By now 

Lost so long

In those woods

We both are good

Good night 

Jacket

Snatched off pegs

Catching legs

Passing heads 

That shake in my direction 

But its for the best

I’ve learned

Enough lessons

For one night 

For one life

I choose to not bite 

My tongue 

On some 

Unfortunate 

Spite I might 

Choose to inflict 

On myself

I am a product 

Of life’s hard sells

So be it 

I leave it 

Alone 

And choose 

To know the home

In which I 

Can not help 

But dwell