Confused Words

-

I need to find myself

I want to not 

Be lost anymore

I wanna believe

Wholeheartedly

That someone

Might,

Can,

Will

-Love me,

But I don't

Not even a little

I am waking up every day

With a smile on my face

Masking my pain

I don't wanna be alone 

Anymore

But I can't shake 

The weight 

That sits on my chest

When I picture myself

In a relationship

It is an anchor 

Dragging me down

Deep into darkness

It's a sickness

I am conflicted 

My head is telling me 

That I'll never be

Anything 

To anyone

It sends me into panic mode

To think of being close 

To someone

So I can't figure out

If I really don't want love

Or I'm just afraid 

I'll never be enough

Either way I'm stuck

Cause my heart is tired

Of being empty

My arms are tired 

Of being empty

But my head is sure 

No ones ever gonna get me

Gonna wanna take the time

To figure me out 

So I ask guys out

And then cancel the plans

Or I go on dates 

And wish we could hold hands 

And then pray pray pray

That he understands

That this is never gonna work

Because I'm broken

I'm in disrepair

I am afraid of futures 

More, than I am in need of air

How is it possible

To be terrified of

The one thing

You can't even

Stop thinking about

At all...like ever

But

I don't want forever

I just want someone

To sit with 

On the couch

To stand next to 

When I'm out

I don't want you 

To make any commitments

Or promises

Or proclamations 

Of the officiality of this 

Situation 

No titles 

No status updates

Cause honestly

That shit scares me

And that shit bares me

Leaves me open

Exposed 

Vulnerable 

So 

No 

I don't want to meet 

Anyones parents

Or have six month anniversaries 

Certainly no not that

I just want to find me

What I've lost 

Who I am 

While being completely free

To see other people

Like maybe a therapist

Or someone

who can point me 

In the right direction

Cause I'm fucked up

And I want love 

But only at 

My own discretion


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Bargain Words

-
24 with 3 kids  and he  is the man of her mothers dreams  or so it seemed  when she was pressed  to impress him  mommy stressed that she dress in  something to catch his eye  and I guess  she made her attempt  cause she caught him  but really it was not needed  he was bartering for a place to stay  and she was offered  as a bargain on the rent  take my daughter  no money spent  and so two lost souls  got together  got the better  of life  man and wife  and weight and struggle  and stress and yes  it was somehow  more than she had planned for herself  she felt suffocated by life  by love  by us  3 kids and this is just too much  she found her feet  and backpedaled quick  out the door  down the street  taking all the heat for being  "that kind of mother"  walking away...
Read more

Diluted Words

-
self love cause I  let myself  cry in the shower hard ugly  racking  sobs chest  burning  lungs  gasping asking me to relax self love cause  I  admit to myself that I'm unhappy unworthy under self imposed pressures that I never  ease up on self love  cause  I know deep in the places I never let  anyone see I am nothing no one  never have been  never having the strength  to be my own best friend self love  cause I let myself remember  what was done  and I let the ache wash over  me hot as this water hot as this shame  that I claim when I think  of opening up  of being vulnerable  self love cause I won't ever be  that weak  I will keep  my distance my dismissive  dark thoughts  at the forefront  of my mind  self love  cause I'm too broken to fuck  around and find love  find out that I was right  this whole time ...
Read more

Romance Words

-
I am looking for  a little bit  of romance I am weak for it in need of it the sweet  of it a confection  of care and feelings  with  delicate  textures buttery  vestures heartfelt  melt in my mouth  gestures I want kindness wrapped  like ribbons in my hair lace edged everything warm  low  lights soft  heat  gentle pressure urging pleas of please lavender  and velvet  soft at the back  of knees plush lush  rugs  to caress  my spine to beg me  to recline strawberry jam  on golden  spoons  under a golden  moon  hung low in the sky stars glowing the indigo blanket of night  the soft pastels  of dawn  sun casting gentle shadows on a verdant lawn checkered blankets wicker hampers a day  blue and bright hands in hands soft smiles bubblegum blushed cheeks subtle glances asking all the things  I need flowers  flirting ...
Read more