Expectation Words

I've been the same

All my life 

But different things

To different men

More often than not

I've been

The mistakes they make

In their own lives

I was a best friend 

Pressed myself desperately in

To a mold I didn't fit

I was something

But I wasn't "It" 

"The One"

I was just some sort of 

Placeholder 

Till he got older 

And realized 

The things

That he deserved

The things he would one day

Want

No hard feelings really

We have to 

Figure things out on our own

Figure I'm out

At the edge for the rest, 

That girl that you bed 

Perhaps but that's the best

I get offered 

Often 

Without the regrets 

"But fuck it it's fine"

My mantra

My anthem

The way my soul buys time

While it 

Thinks of way to tell my heart

That I'm 

The mistake guys make

When they take too many pulls

Have just one more drink

Basically on the brink 

Of wrecking their lives

Or getting their lives

Together

Than I become

No better

Than the vices they likely

Are trying to shelf

I'm aware that I'm 

a problem, but promise 

I'll try to help

Hurts how the good ones 

Get good for someone else

Belong to someone else

Get strong for someone else

How else is this

Ever gonna play out 

Not sure that I'm ever 

Gonna make out

The right place while pacing

Back and forth in the same ways 

I've been used to

I got used to 

Blame being 

Synonymous with my name

Since ominous was placed 

Over my head

Black clouds

Pushed down my throat

So dark words 

Rained in place of those

Hopes 

I used to know

Never was enough of me 

For he or him or them

One looking consistently

To the other side 

Of the fence

Made his ends meet meagerly  

Eagerly searching for a we 

With anyone but she

Preoccupied with his own life

No attention spared

To those living

Off the branches 

Of his own likes

An affinity for women

Willing his weak sights

And I merely a victim

Of those nights

Many men now and then 

Offer smiles

While

Briskly walking away

Whispers simply honesty in me

--You're sweet 

But you're not safe--

I am this thing by nature

Not a thing I'd create

On purpose

I've earned it

At the base 

Of jagged shards of a heart

That leaves my taste

Bitter, broken, laced with hate

The tragic magic of having made 

Deals with devils 

I settle 

For the bite of metal 

Across the backs of thighs

The lick of leather

To sooth a pain 

I'm unable to hide

I've been the same 

Always 

But a catch 22 

Leaves me confused

Hard to love me when I was busy

Loving you

You taught me first

Fixed this in me 

--Simply

Not 

Enough

I've always been me 

I'm the mistakes men make

When they

Are looking to press their luck

Just mine, cause I

Have always been the same

And I can't change

So I know that this hurt

Is the only thing I can trust

Different things to different men

But always 

Empty in the end

So no, I don't expect your love 

And with same breath I'll let

You know, that I offer none