Placeholder Words

Apart from touching myself

Rarely do I engage

In acts of 

Loving myself

That is to say

I don't get my nails done

Or have spa days

Or shopping sprees 

I mostly read 

Fill cotton bags 

With as much as 

The library allows

But I digress

Let me instead focus 

And confess

That last night 

I painted my nails

Pale pink

Like seashells 

In the sun 

Warm

Like the love

You'll never give to me

You'll see 

Only hands

And when you happen

To look at my eyes 

You won't 

Notice 

The freckles 

That exist

On account of me being mixed

Dominican heritage

A little bit of this

And that

But it's 

The last 

Thing on your mind

And I'm 

Always hoping 

You're noting 

The times I 

Sigh

When you say 

You have to catch 

Your train

But you don't

So I've trained 

Myself 

To breathe a little bit softer

Because

Every little loss hurts

In this game

You're not even aware we play

One you don't even know

You're winning

Or ahead 

Or somehow hitting 

Things outfield 

Out of my reach 

I teach my heart 

To beat

At every available second

A hummingbird

In a cage 

In case 

You have a minute 

To listen 

And feel the need to free it 

And this freeing

Ideally 

Happens after

We lock eyes

And you realize

That the brown color in mine

Looks like sable

In the right light

And you like 

The possibilities you see

And you want

No... You need 

To kiss me

And somewhere in the discovery

Of our mouths 

Somehow 

Our fingers fix together 

And you pull back 

Just a bit 

And lift 

My hand, now shaking

And bring fingers 

To lips

And you notice

The palest of pink

Like seashells 

In the sun

And you whisper

That I 

Haven't had 

Enough love

And you engage in some

Promising 

Of promises 

To make right of this 

And I make light of this

With pink 

Blush on cheeks

--It's just an old polish 

Honest, it's nothing 

Much--

But we both smile

To ourselves

Knowing now 

That we've found 

Us

And just as our forever

Finds us

You ask if I’m okay

Snapped out

Of my reverie

Every

Single cell awake

At the sound

Of my name

In your mouth

And I vow

Quietly in my mind

That I will find

A way

To make me strong

To get through

The impossibility

Of loving you

So for now

I slip

Pale pink

Down

To my own pink hues

And love myself

As I face

Another day

Of loving you