It's Zenobia

I who  have never  known love been loved  been one  of those special moments  For someone  I who have waited, choked on this patience am aching and afraid when I find myself lured  baited taken by the gentlest of nature exhibited honestly  openly for no other reason  than to  make known to me that I  am  special  something  better  than I have  known myself to be I see myself  now  in the way  that  he  reflects me  in his eyes in the reach  of his hands in the way that he  plans seconds, minutes, hours, life  against the  time  I am alive  along for this ride I who have never known love am in awe of its  touch of the way  that it hugs  all the edges of life the hard ones the sharp ones the far ones the ones that have  no shape love becomes water  and takes its cue to do what ever  must be done I who have never known lo...

Saying Yes Is like  holding my breath  Under water And I'll try it For you Stop breathing  To prove  I gave it  the chance it deserves the seconds the minutes the hours the days it might likely be worth the truth is it hurts lungs burn and I  fight to rise  to the surface but I hold I wait I stay still  will myself  to relearn  breathing  being  alive in this new place an environment that takes getting used to  I'm getting  used to  the way  you look at me  here  like I'm something  special  like I might be better  than I have ever known I feel the pressure in my chest the weight of this test of wills the wiles of thrills disguised  as fate but maybe  this is safe this is easy doesn't take much for me  thrive maybe before I was gone  and now  I'm alive maybe I  was holding  my breath  this whole time mind tense body tight held at the edge ...

I'm trying  to break  the cycle trying to be  more stable  less psycho more  present  less idle  I've been swimming in waves less calm more tidal I'm used to  walking on eggshells and thin ice and he's nice but I  got him  walking  on tiptoes he's warm  but I'm cold and I want but I hold back  far away  hard to say  when I  will let myself feel safe and he stays even measured never changing  direction never mentions my back  and forth  my rollercoaster my always leaving he is  a paper map  no updates needed and this  for me is unfamiliar territory  an unknown  story I tell myself is written  for someone else  but he'll  repeat  till I accept  that's what says that's what he swears  he means and I'm  trying  to break  the cycle to really  believe

He's given  his heart green verdant certain  somehow that it is safe  with me and I  am keen  to do right to be right to act like I am able  to be open  I'm hoping but I'm  going  in circles  dodging  the hurdles I set up  for myself my health  my paranoid  need  to be free to be ready to run  if things get too  much but this has left me stuck  a stick  in the mud he wants my love my heart my trust,  so hard to reach so as  an offer  of peace he's  given me his heart green  verdant earnest  honest solid  so much  like him  he's given  his heart  and it's  making me  think making me  wish making  it difficult  to insist  I don't want it  but I occasionally  sit with it silently  soak it up  smiling  and so  though  I'm wary I can admit I like the weight it carries  the wa...

I'm leaving  bread crumbs trails from  the quiet halls of my long  shuttered  heart  why is it  so hard for you  to find me remind me where you not just hungry  for my mouth  my hands my time  my lines pressed  on your lines my eyes fixed on your own saying everything we both  wanna know I'm leaving clues step by step for you clear concise prove me right or am I wrong were you not  just wanting  those moments under the stars just you  and I  being alive together  in the same space in the same way with the future set before us I'm writing  the answers  on slips  of papers offering little sips of flavors you didn't know  you needed  it's feeding  a want  you didn't know  you craved  don't you wanna stay  don't you want taste all the secrets  on this tongue I'm offering the codex show you  how  to take me  anywhere you go next I'm hoping...

I am bothered by the need to cede  control of my emotions they want  to be noticed to be focused on getting out  into dangerous situations I am risk averse they are aware  of the traitorous implications  of not heeding  not being  quiet  hidden things this  appears to be a war I may not win  I may not be in the right headspace I may have  gone too long living with heartache they are sick  and tired and wired for electricity  for synergy and I  have become  a mystery  to myself am no longer sure of my self worth  was a definitive thing low  end  almost vacant  but my emotions  have been awakened urging me  to take them  out into the sun out under the sky into the blue of eyes that seek to summon my attentions patiently suffer my intentions  to resist them  to dismiss them  but they work in tandem my emotions and this man  much to my di...

It's not  What I thought  It would be The shape  Is different  The sound Is different  The ground is different, Moss and rose petals So just maybe, I'll settle For a good thing A soft thing  An often Too good to be true don't let it get lost thing And yes It's unfamiliar  Not a smooth path  But not rocky  No broken glass No hidden gaps No falling Over myself  Less missteps Misdirection  Less mindless  Motions  It's fluid But no ocean And I'm afraid But I'm open The idea is That I could be Broken  But maybe this Could be a balm My escape from the storms  My new version of calm This could soothe  Years of desperation Depsite my Inclination  To run  Maybe I'll settle for some Kind of perfect Not the one I pictured  But maybe  Still worth it Maybe still Hurting  Might be still burning Maybe expecting nothing  Has somehow Landed me somewhere Worth toughing It out for Maybe  The ...

I wanna be picked up  clear off the ground and it should be easy if I'm honest cause  There's not much to me I'm nothing really  nothing special  nothing needed not firmly seated to this earth no gravity  only hurts I could  float  for what it's worth I am easy to dismantle nothing delicate to handle just bits  of broken  heart held in torn pockets nothing stopping me losing  bits of me  as I walk these streets I crave heavy hands to make me  feel the weight of need of want  of hope  but no I'm empty eager bones waiting to be  lifted swiftly  sated quickly  without regrets concern or care I am nothing  really  a hungry smile a hungry stare an empty  hourglass wishing  for sand to fill these curves weigh them down  for the time it takes to turn  once, twice again greedy, eager moments mostly I want to be lifted  clear off  the ground and it should be easy...

Don't you miss me Don't you wish we were still  spoons  and peanut butter laughing  at each other video games and full names I wonder if  you're working on  fixing this if you're  working out the kinks the things that keep you  stuck  inside your head keep you on  the other side of an empty  bed are you working on your fitness your mental the promise of  giving me  the gentle  man  you promised hand on your heart honest attempts  at being the best for yourself  for your health and ours Don't you miss me  Don't you wish we  had roots that flowered at your expert hands for hours  and hours of euchre and uno music and movies and talking  into the night and wrongs  that we know  how to make right and don't you  want my waves my jangles my soft curves my tight angles my sweet scents  our oh so perfect lack  of pretense  Don't you cry  Don't you crawl...

Let the weather  be the reason  it's too cold to be so cold so  I'd rather  let you go  without being mean about it Let the weather  be the reason  it's too hot  to get heated I'll let you  get the last word don't sweat it it don't get  clean without it the break  takes  the steam out it the pressure cooker of us  too hot  in this kitchen  though  and we're  desperate  outta luck let the weather  be the reason  cause the winds  have picked up  the waves  are too high there's no saving us let the weather  be the reason  cause we  can't say it's done over  ended  finished  cause of something  we couldn't  give it something we lacked something we  never had  Let the weather  be the reason  cause I  rather let you go  then face another season

He believes  in nature  and science and I am  a coincidence a natural  occurrence no good omens just random moments that go in  no particular  order  over the course  of a day  A night  A moon  A bright  Blinding sun  We ride  The spin Of the earth Tilted  On its  Axis Fast Yet gentle Hands gripping  The grass As we lay back  And bask At the soft curve The blue sky The clouds The how's The why's I am a grain Of sand In the ocean Hoping To be discovered  Pulled  Deep  Into the delicate shell Of a man Disrupting The sleep of his heart It wakes And it fights And races so hard That I  Am gripped And turned   And loved  Till I become Something shimmering  A perfect piece  Of nature  Of stars  To be studied Notes taken Speculations  Made and Assumed to be true  Proved  As you do When you're a man Who believes  Not in God  But...

It's okay I get it You're t rying  To put distance  Between us Change up  The meaning  To remove  The feelings  To rework  The way we speak Interactions  Fleeting  The back  And forth The walk away  The back for more The let me stay The want The want The need The gaze The oh so close But  Not today  I get it It's more in your head Not about me Not about heat Just the wrong Scene Eyes closed  Thinking bout  How to complete How to come clean Maybe The crazy thing is You're just not ready  To admit That the things You like  Are conflicting  You like the way I inhabit the space legs bare stretched spread mouth sweet pink wet skin warm soft pressed as we sit side by side laughs in our mouths tears in our eyes the best time the best friends the best and the rest is lost to me the hows the whys bed beneath my back shuttered pain behind your eyes and maybe you're wishing I was someone else wishing I w...

He  is a lighthouse  to my stranded sailor  heart but I am hard in the  places meant to be soft to be no longer lost  I have been on this sea too long my sense  of self, my direction  is all wrong and the light  to me  appears to be a mirage leading me astray away from the safety of my isolation I am taken  by the  gentle pull  of him the tide that draws me in  but I fight  the current I long  to swim  I want the shore and yet I  dive in search for life at the bottom of the ocean I seek to be filled but my sails are  never  open never knowing what the truth is my mind  is ruthless rueful  to my pain but not allowing me  to change he is a lighthouse to my stranded  sailor  heart  and it is hard to turn this ship to take the risk  to close my eyes and face  the waves he is  a lighthouse but I  can only  watch him fade,  I can only sail...

I want two things at once to stay and to run to be free  to be loved to have  all my broken pieces bagged up  sad, but somehow meaning something to someone being more than  the sum of the nothing  I made myself  out to be, then I  breathe and the switch is flipped  and my fingers  itch  to claw  myself  of out this existence every instinct  makes every kindness a trap  a measured attack  leaving me  with the wall  at my back every gesture  making me a last laugh a part of his past it's all happening  fast  forcing me to figure out how to cope how to  make up my mind  I want two things only knowing how to be one I want more only knowing  how to have none and life is running  out of patience  his  or mine  or ours with only hours  remaining until we become he  and I  on separate sides of a crowded street where I  am looking for love but...

I speak in sighs  Fake smiles Bitten lips  Inappropriate quips And admittedly this Is not an easy  Language to follow  So I need  Someone  With tall emotional stature So nothing I say Goes over their  Head They capture Everything given Driven  To understand  To decode Decipher   The worried hands Nervous laughter  The tendency  For me  To factor  Sex  Into goodnight No morning  After I speak with sharp teeth The longer I  Feel the need To escape  To remove myself  To be free I need someone Who sees  The future  I have pre planned  In my sleep Anticipate my need To hurt myself  In speech  On indefinite repeat  I need someone to be Ready, aware, there In the moment  Holding my gaze  And knowing  The things that I can't say That my eyes Always give away I need someone to see Me  To understand the things I give  Are things I need Things t...